This is easy to the point of ridiculous.

Two parts wheat flour (6 cups or more, really, or it’s hardly worth it)

One part water

1 packet yeast, quick rise is best. (This is optional, but makes it that much faster)

Ginger to taste, but lots

1/2 cup soy or tamari or shoyu

Water

Proof the yeast in water according to package directions.

Meanwhile, hack the ginger to bits and put it into a saucepan with the soy along with 6-8 cups of water. Boil this for 15 minutes and then cool.

After this event unfolds, get to mixing the wheat flour with the water with the yeast in the largest bowl you have. Probably go buy a bigger bowl before you start.

Mix.

Mix more.

If you have a breadmaker, you could have mixed it in there for like 5 minutes, but if you’re doing it by hand, you’re looking at about 10 minutes of hardcore mixing, either by spoon or with your hands.

Once this mess is as stringy as you can get it, cover it with warm water and let it sit for 10 minutes. That’s probably how long it’ll take to clean your hands off.

Once you’re ready to revisit the bowl, you’ll see that it looks like grossness. Don’t avert your gaze. Plunge your hands in and knead. You’re trying to work out all the starch, so squeeze and push and twist, and do whatever else.

Now get rid of the water. You can dump it down the drain or you can realise that this water would be excellent as a thickener and pour it off into a container and use it in the soup you’ll be making soon.

Regard this sad mess of gluten and add more warm water. Knead.

Dump the water, replace the water. Knead.

Dump the water, replace the water. Knead.

Dump the water, replace the water. Knead.

Dump the water, replace the water. Knead.

Is the water you’re dumping clear? If so, replace it with cool/cold water to annoy the gluten and knead one last time. Rid yourself of this water, and take out your gluten ball.

Remember the cooled water/soy/ginger mix and add your gluten ball to it, ensuring that there’s enough water to cover, and bring it to a boil. Treat it like a dumpling and flip it over when it floats to the top.

Cook this for awhile. Your liquid will probably boil off, but don’t add more.

Now you are the proud owner of seitan, which you can form into a log, or even a pretzel.

When you encounter a recipe that calls for meat, use your seitan instead, perhaps cutting it like chicken strips and browning it in a pan.

Hooray for seitan.

-christopher